Comments for blog.limedaley.com/post/total-church-why-gospel-why-community

Comment #2568

2010-03-23T21:15:22Z

I've written a sort of response on my own blog, where I try to explain why it can take time to build up trust and what role small talk plays in that process. However, it'd feel rude to me to not comment here as well.

I admire your desire to live a godly life as best you can and your insight into things that are amiss in our culture and churches. It's rare for someone who sees a need for deep change not to withdraw from community in frustration, and so it saddens me to read such a poignant expression of your frustration. I therefore hope that you can not only keep the faith, but also keep the hope, and remain a patient agent of change where God has put you. You may be frustrated now, but I think perseverance and a willingness to continue engaging in humble community building despite sluggish progress will reap great reward in the end - both for you and especially for your church community. I hope you can come up with a creative solution for "dropping in on people" that somehow takes their predilection for scheduling into account and yet allows for you to gently nudge them into a more unforced and less regimented community. There is indeed, as you mention, a fine balance about informal visiting of that nature that demands (a) a sufficient basis of friendship and (b) sensitivity to the situation as it presents itself at that moment: one reason why I don't engage in impromptu visiting too often (pretty much failure in (b)). Perhaps it might help to insist on them dropping in on you - no matter if the house is in imperfect condition - and once they get around to doing that once or twice they'll understand better what you mean when you talk about dropping in?

May God continue to bless your desire to serve him!

Oh, and if y'all want to drop in at our apartment some time, you're welcome!

Comment #2567

2010-03-20T18:24:57Z

Your dad's "Fantastic" reminds me of C.J. Mahaney's "Better than I deserve", which are both unusual answers, and probably get people to think a little.

And it is true that it is easier to speak negatively than to encourage. And yes, I know that forcibly removing bricks doesn't really work. I think the hardest thing about trust is that for many people, it takes a lot of time to build up trust, and if the time we spend together can be measured in X minutes a month/year/etc. then there isn't ever any growth in trust.

A student last week was completely surprised that I asked her about a conversation we had earlier in the week - I value those connections very highly, and it is strange to me that people wouldn't normally remember conversations they've had with people, particularly ones that involve how we live our lives.

I struggle with the "dropping in on people", as most people don't want to be dropped in on, and want to plan for a meeting in the next month or two. One friend pointed out Proverbs 25:17 to me: "Withdraw thy foot from thy neighbour's house; lest he be weary of thee, and so hate thee." Most people aren't willing to be honest to tell me to leave, and so I hear about it later through the grapevine. So, I try to leave earlier than I would normally do so, but we still end up leaving last unless I try really, really hard to leave early.

I alternate between wondering what I can "do" in any of these areas and thinknig that probably there isn't anything to do, but to seek God and His kingdom first, and let all else fall into place. And to ask God for his Holy Spirit and trust in the verse that he truly is a father who knows how to give good gifts to his children.

Comment #2566

2010-03-20T17:31:16Z

My dad always responded to, "How are you?" with "Fantastic!" which was not always accurate, but he was answering the intent, not the literal meaning of the greeting. The "how are you" that doesn't mean what it says used to frustrate me, and I, myself, never say "how are you?" unless I mean it literally, but I'm gradually learning that language-as-it-is-used can be more important than language-as-I-think-it-should-be. I have a ways to go, but I'm getting there.

Another thing I've had to learn the hard way—and, alas, over and over again; apparently I'm a slow learner—is that the issues that I care most passionately about are usually the ones for which I'm least successful as an advocate. It's not exactly that I care too much about the issue, but that I don't care enough about the person with whom I'm talking to speak in language that will reach him. It helps me to remember The Five Love Languages (if he's not hearing "I love you," then I'm not saying it right), or make myself laugh by picturing the Ugly American expecting to be understood by shouting to the person who speaks little English. Sometimes it helps; I know I'm not good at it yet.

You are speaking out of your own pain and frustration—the loneliest place is not solitude, but the feeling that no one understands. But you will never get people to open up, to share, to become vulnerable until they trust you, and they will never trust you if they feel you are judging them, their lives, their priorities, and even their definitions. ("I think people often think they live in a 'community,' but they have accepted the 'anemic' definition instead of any real definition of community.") Forcibly removing people's "bricks" creates wounds, not trust.

"Become a blessing by offering hospitality, showing practical care, dropping in on people." You excel in this!!! If you can be patient with the process—remembering that your timetable is not necessarily God's—and let people feel your love and encouragement more than your negative judgement—in short, if you can be as patient with adults as you are with your children—I believe great things will happen.