Comments for sursumcorda.salemsattic.com/post/my-idle-certification

Comment #3288

2014-01-02T15:18:46Z

Congratulations on a victory won! You make an excellent point, I think, in considering how you treat Jon. And how you would want to be treated, I would add -- didn't someone once say "Do unto others...." :)

You don't thank Jon by exclaiming, "What a great husband you are! You are so considerate! And how wonderful that you are tall enough to reach the shelf! I'm so PROUD of you!" Nor would you want to have someone say of the dinner you just cooked, "Oh, wow, this is fantastic! This is such a great meal! You're amazing!" Well, actually, we all want to know that others think we're amazing, a good cook, a considerate husband, etc., and that they are proud of us, but the trouble with excessive praise is that it feels false. Or worse, as if we've just done something that's good in contrast to our usual behavior. Over-praising one meal can lead the cook to infer that most of her meals are not much appreciated.

But a brief "thank you" and calm praise are important. No one wants to be taken for granted. As chief-cook-and-bottle-washer around here, I don't expect a thank-you for every meal and every load of laundry done, but positive reinforcement is what keeps the work from being mere drudgery. (On the other hand,I did hear of a household in which the children, on their own accord, started a ritual of publicly thanking the cook after every dinner. Not a bad tradition, I'd say!)

Excessive praise can be condescending and even manipulative. Nobody likes that. Genuine appreciation and gratitude, however, are meat and drink to the soul.

Comment #3287

2014-01-02T14:04:59Z

"Act like what they do is normal and expected when it's good."

Ah - this is the answer to something I've been wondering about recently. I remember reading not to praise your child when he does what you expect, and agreeing with the logic at the time. Then recently, thinking that just makes them the "unworthy servants" doing their duty, and that is not how I want to treat my children.

But acting like it's normal doesn't have to mean not thanking them! If I ask Jon to get me something from a high shelf, yes, it's normal, and yes, it's even expected, that he would do that for me. But it's also still normal for me to thank him for doing it.

So, from now on I will freely thank my children for doing what I ask and expect without some weird guilt feeling. Ha ha!

Comment #3286

2013-12-30T03:46:31Z

For more quotations, check out Janet's review.